When gravity let go of me

In 2018 I attended a conference. I had attended many conferences, always looking for inspiration and connections. I had worked my way up from salesperson to Vice President in large part by attending conferences like that one.

The event was fantastic but I didn’t expect anything earth shattering. Nothing earth shattering did happen, really…other than gravity completely letting go of me.

Though my mother had told me life couldn’t be planned, I successfully planned and executed most of my adult life. However, during this conference one speaker mentioned that happiness is a balance between roots and wings. She needed to go back to her roots. My breath caught in my chest. I had been rooting so deeply that I no longer felt my wings.

I instantly grew excited. I realized that only I had been holding myself back. Prior to that moment I thought I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough, connected enough…to do… anything. But somehow in that moment I knew none of those things to be true. I could do absolutely anything I could dream of. And the dreams began!

I dreamt of starting my own business, writing a book, helping business owners and women overcome their fears and find the path to live their best lives. I began flying high. I left my job of 12 years and started a business.

What I didn’t know was at the exact moment that quote caught my breath, my mother’s breaths became numbered. She had stage 4 cancer.

One month of pure torturous pain and agony and my mother’s soul was no longer in her body. My body felt high but not in a good way. There were no wings or giggles. I was in freefall.

My dad was determined to take care of himself. He was blind and went through a handle of vodka or more every week but somehow managed to survive for 8 months before his soul moved on as well.

I pushed through, worked hard, and focused on my family. Freefall is exhilarating. It’s somewhat comfortable for someone who didn’t have a stable childhood, but I wasn’t sure if I was falling or flying.

Vodka found me, wine found me, and then Covid found all of us. Gravity completely let go of me. My body was on Earth. I was sure my feet were walking, my hands were typing, my lips were moving and life was carrying on but it simply wasn’t true. My soul had lifted into the sky, the ether, heaven? Hell? It felt more like hell.

Days, weeks, a few years went by. Somehow my marriage ended. A relationship I had for over 20 years was over and it was everyone’s fault. I blamed myself entirely but gravity was to blame. It let go of me.

I sought wings for 38 years and the moment I saw them, felt them, and believed them to be true, the wind no longer worked the same and gravity let go of me.

Steph Silver is the owner of Vine Collective, Host of MVP Business Podcast, a Brand, Business, and Life coach, and Author of Anywhere, USA.