Is It Just Me?
— Susan Rigby, Guest Columnist
Join Wimberley humorist Susan Rigby as she attempts to navigate “the small stuff.”
I like it when I can self check-out at the grocery store. I can purchase anything I want and only the computer knows what’s in my reusable grocery bags. But sometimes, I have too many items to do that, so I try to pick my grocery line carefully. I dread it when checkers or baggers mention each item as they ring them up. It has taken me some time, but I have learned to be creative when I respond to them.
When they put the sweets on the counter instead of in a bag, I say, “Oh, these aren’t for me. I am shopping for my neighbor. She has such a sweet tooth, I can barely keep up with her sugar needs. I am sure you see me here often picking up bakery goods and candy — for my neighbor.”
When they notice that I did not purchase any of the vegetables that were on sale, I say, “I try to tell my neighbor that they are good for her, but I can only buy what’s on her list.”
When they see an extra large bag of chips, I say, “I was also wondering who would buy such a large bag, especially when one lives alone. I will have to ask my neighbor. But between you and me, she can really put them away.”
When they note that I am buying a lot of toilet paper, I say, “I know, I have never seen anyone buy this much, except when it was in short supply. I’ll bet my neighbor needs to unclog her commode regularly.”
When they yell that I forgot my hemorrhoid cream, I say, “Thanks, but it’s not for me,” and I wink, “She can barely leave the house, if you know what I mean. That is why I am always here shopping for her.”
I just hope no one sees me tearing into the donut bag when I get in my car. I really should wait until I at least get out of the parking lot!
I also hope none of my neighbors ever go shopping with me. As Ricky Ricardo would say, “You got a lot of ’splainin’ to do.
