Is It Just Me?
— Susan Rigby, Guest Columnist
Join Wimberley humorist Susan Rigby as she attempts to navigate “the small stuff.”
If you want your doctor to hurt their frontal lobe by rolling their eyeballs too far into the skull, just say “Dr. Oz says. . .” or “My friend’s sister’s aunt said I probably have. . .” I sometimes fall into that “not my favorite patient” category.
I was sick recently and in the course of 24 hours, I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I first diagnosed myself as having heartburn and purchased a large package of antacids. When that didn’t work, I remembered reading in People magazine about stars doing colon cleansers and thought that might be my problem. So, I found one better — a whole body detox cleanser. Still no relief.
Alka Seltzer seemed like the next best option, and I was lucky to find a neighborhood-sized box on sale.
Still no relief.
Finally, my daughter told me that her husband said it sounded like I probably had appendicitis. That didn’t seem like the problem area.
By day two, I decided to check with a professional, so I went online to check Web MD. My symptoms were too general to choose one diagnosis. Feeling that I had at least eliminated many diagnoses, I decided to see if an emergency room doctor could figure it out. He could and after a week in the hospital, I came home with enough medicine that I had to clean out my medicine cabinet to store them.
I’m not the only one who is inclined toward self-diagnosis. One woman finally headed to her doctor with the sound medical conclusion that her liver hurt. Now, of all of our various body parts, that was one I forgot about. Her doctor told her that the liver has no nerve endings, but she did have some broken ribs.
I’m sure the only saving grace for doctors is that it gives them something to talk about during surgery. I just hope they weren’t laughing so hard that they dropped a small pointed medical tool into an open wound. That’s the only thing I can come up with that could be causing the pain in my side.
